Old Love Letters Lead To Bad Ideas

Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin on May 4, 2024

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While cleaning out my mom's attic after she passed, I found love letters from my old girlfriends from 50 years ago -- well before I married my wife of 40 years. I read the letters and then tossed them, as I really didn't want my wife or kids to see them.

I've had a great life, but have always held these women in my heart, as they were all special. Would it be inappropriate to send them a hello after all these years to see how they're doing?

There is no ulterior motive. On the other hand, I'm not sure how I'd respond if an old beau contacted my wife, hence my hesitation. By the way, I don't do social media.

GENTLE READER: It is your own conscience -- and not etiquette, Miss Manners assures you -- that should determine whether or not you contact these women. Because etiquette will definitely not help get you out of trouble if you do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend has entertained my spouse and me several times. She is a gracious hostess and often sets out her finest stemware and tableware. My spouse tends to be informal and prefers everyday dishes and glasses to crystal and fine china.

My friend has requested that my husband not find his own beverage glass in her cupboard and instead use the ones she has placed on the drink table. I think this is a reasonable request. When I entertain, I like to use my finer party glasses and dishes, and I might be offended if a guest insisted on finding their own pieces in my kitchen cabinets.

My husband says the hostess is being inflexible, but I think he is the inflexible one when he does not abide by her preferences. Is it rude of the guest to shun the host's finery? Or is it the host's place to allow guests to use items from her kitchen because it suits their more casual tastes?

GENTLE READER: It is unimaginably rude for guests to rifle through their host's cabinets. Doubly so if they think they are making a point about relative taste and formality.

Since both you and your host have made your preferences clear, Miss Manners is reluctant to help out your husband. But against her better judgment, she will offer that the only polite thing your husband could say would be, "I'm so afraid of breaking one of your beautiful glasses. Perhaps you have something sturdier for my clumsy hands."

Then it would be up to the host to procure one, if she truly thought her glasses were in danger. But as he already betrayed his true motive with this particular host, this tactic would have to be saved for the next one.

Perhaps by then, you will have impressed upon him that his "I'm just a regular guy" attitude is not quite so endearing as he thinks.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)